My wife and I are sitting in a Boeing 737 on the way back to San Jose from Las Vegas. We've just spent three wonderful days having fun, we also got married. Sitting here thinking about the last few days gone by I got a sudden urge to chronicle our wedding experience in Las Vegas so that all our family and friends that could not be there can enjoy the experience as well. I won't bore you with all the details of our gambling, site seeing, or shows. Besides, as you will soon see a Las Vegas wedding contains these elements as well.
That special day is September 4, 1999. A Saturday like no other.. My sisters Cookie and Patty have already arrived along with Jose, Patty's husband. The air is as thick as the jello that waits at the $3.99 buffet. We're waiting for brother Luis to arrive from the airport before the limo picks us up. Many thoughts run through your mind as you sit and wait for the inevitable. "When's the last time Las Vegas had a Volcano erupt?" "Have terrorist ever taken over an entire casino before?" "Did I remember to lock the back door when we left home?" "Would you like a cocktail?" asks a long tall Sally with legs up to my neck. I snap back to reality, "Yes, a butt wipe, I mean a bud light would be great, thank you." As she walks away with a jiggle that would make a bowl of lime green jello turn olive with envy, Luis arrives just in time to dry the sweat off and get into something uncomfortable.
Now we're resting comfortably in a limo driven by Steve, a good looking guy with pony tail and smile that would make bowl of peach jello melt in a blizzard. It didn't take long before Cookie asks "Do you think he's gay?" I figure it's best to protect Steve and say "Sis, he's odder than a 3 dollar bill swimming in a pool of strawberry jello filled with 2 dollar bills." The drive time is spent chatting and flirting with Steve, all except the bride and groom who are sucking down bud lights like they were the last bowls of grape jello at an all night diner.
After about 15 minutes of driving we arrive at the 'Deuces are Wild' chapel in beautiful downtown Las Vegas. Steve gets out of the car and just about gets wacked by a tumble weed with attitude, it appears his Judo Aerobics has paid off and a swift kick sends the weed back on it's way. The chapel itself has two sections. The first can be describe as a foyer where all the paperwork is taken care of and the fees are paid. The only sounds are those of the slot machines mounted on the wall and that of a couple trying to win some honeymoon money. With the business done the witnesses are allowed to enter the chapel and take their place within the pews. We have already been given instructions and as the music begins we make our way into the chapel. Upon entering I notice immediately to my right, in the corner a poker table with four old gals playing stud and lying about the studs they played in their youth. On our left in the other corner there's a blackjack table with a bunch of empty wallets but no empty seats. We split up momentarily as we go around the craps table in the middle of the aisle, as we meet up at the end I notice my bride has picked up two blue chips. I inquire with my eyes like a boy window shopping the cherry jello at the corner deli, she shrugs her shoulders and smiles coquettishly.
We finally reach the alter where our JP awaits looking like the cat that ate the canary colored lemon jello. She begins "Ladies and Gentlemen, leeeets get ready to ruuuuuummmmmble!" Everyone pauses to wait for the particulars "Introducing first on my left wearing a olive colored Armani suit and sweating like a pig" "He hails from Yuma, Arizona and is wedding out of San Jose, California." "His record stands at 0 marriages with no divorces and one child." "Weighing in at 160 pounds and dropping." "Jaime 'Shakes' Olivas!" "Oliiiiiivaaaaas." "And on my right, looking snappy in her olive suit and skirt." "Hailing from Mexico City, Distrito Federal, Mexico." "Her record stands at 0 marriages, 0 divorces with no children." "She weighed in at some undisclosed amount with the option to vary in the future." "Lilia Yadira Armendariz!" "Armendaaarrrrriiiiz." The little old ladies in the corner twirl their fists in the air and wooh, wooh, wooh issues forth from their pruny lips. The JP continues "You have both received instructions in the foyer, obey my commands at all times, now shake hands and come out responding." Now comes the obligatory question addressed to the congregation. "If anyone present knows of a reason why these two should not bound in matrimony or would like to place a bet on how long this marriage will last, do so now or forever hold your peace." A cowboy at the blackjack table hollers "Here's a hunerd dollars, I want to split dem two now." Over at the craps table a woman yells "Five hundred on a hard eight!" Not to be outdone her partner trumps "One thousand dollars on a agonizing two years with no chance of parole!" My bride is now shaking and I can hear her teeth clattering. This is a good thing because it keeps my mind off my boxer shorts which have magically (and not deliciously) become string bikini underwear. "Do you Jaime take this woman Lilia to be your lawfully wedded wife, to hold and not fold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until you crap out?" Hoping the cowboy doesn't carry a gun I respond "I do." "Do you Lilia take this man Jaime to be your awfully wedded husband, to have and to scold, for richness or in debt, in sickness and in health until he craps out?" A set of novelty teeth clatters "I do." "Then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada and the Nevada Gaming Commission, I now pronounce you husband and life, you may now kiss the bride."
My family doles out hugs like fruit jello at the weekly bridge party. Cameras flash as they try to capture the bewildered look on our faces. We exit to the foyer where more papers are signed and I hand over the secret loot to the JP. I say "Thanks dollface, lets hope we don't see each other again, now scram." The JP excuses herself and wishes everyone well. Outside more cameras flash around the limo, we need proof that we actually rode in one. On the way back to the hotel we pop open the champagne compliments of the limousine service. It taste like four week old tonic flavored jello surprise but no one complains, it's free. We make it back to the hotel and we all thank Steve as I hand him his share of the loot.
We make our way to the casino for an evening of gambling, dining, drinking, and who knows.. maybe some begging too. After all, I am a married man now.
Beer, lots of beer.
This is pretty much how I remember it though you might want to get a second opinion from one of the other attendees. One of the names has been changed or forgotten to protect the innocent. If you ever have a wedding in Vegas I hope you will share your experience with us. Apologies to my wife if I missed anything.
Completely demented,
JOH