You know you are Chicano/Latino If.......

 

...you have ever been spanked with chanclas.

 

...you have later been spanked with the plancha chord.

 

...you know your mom is sneaking up on you because you can hear her chanclas on the linoleum floor.

 

...your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment.

 

...you can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the "chuletas."

 

...you light a candle the night of the Lotto drawing.

 

...you get scared whenever someone mentions "el cucuuuuiii."

 

...you go the "Pulga" or swap meet every weekend for gear. (Bonus points if you actually enjoy it.)

 

...you go to a function and judge the women's fashions (wearing a gold sequence butterfly print top you got from the pulga.)

 

...you have gone to Titi's house and passed through the beaded curtain in the living room.

 

...you step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV and you have a porcelain dog, Buddha or elephant in your living room.

 

...you have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.

 

...you swear "Choco Mil" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.

 

...you have a perpetually drunk tio (el borracho.)

 

...you're still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.

 

...your mother and tias are constantly gossiping in the kitchen about how they hate the town "mitoteras."

 

...you know at least one person in your family named Maria, Carlos, Papo, Juan, Jose, Tony, Tito or Luis.

 

...your mom has more power over your dad, or else she will get his mom on his case.

 

...you not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio.

 

...your mother, tia or hermana's hair is black cherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.

 

...you always try to find out what town another fellow Latin's family is from.

 

...you call rug- carpeta, roof- rufo, parking- parking, libreria instead of biblioteca or to knock- knockiar and chips- ruffles.

 

...you have ever had to "beepiar" a friend on their pager.

 

...you still don't understand how other people can think that cinnamon, pepperoni or pepper are actually hot.

 

...you wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundromat and go grocery shopping.

 

...you wonder why Taco Bell uses sour cream.

 

...you have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.

 

...your tia Chencha thinks that silver banana clips are on Vogue's hot list for hair.

 

...you know someone with a tattoo of a tear drop under their eye.

 

...if someone farts, you make a fiesta of it.

 

...you go to a wedding or "Quinceañera", gossip about how bad the "comida" is, but are the first to take a "plato" to go.

 

...you drink all beer with limon and salt. (Bonus points for splash of Tapatio.)

 

...your sister has more mustache hair than your father.

 

...one of your tias or mom weighs over 300 pounds and is damn proud of it.

 

...you have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.

 

...you tell the young ones that if they don't stop crying, "La Llorona" is going to hear them and come get them.

 

...your cousins are delinquents/hoochies.

 

...you have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca" who's bigger than a house.

 

...you think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.

 

...your uncle owns more gold than that jewelry shop down the street.

 

...you have a cousin named "Guero" who's darker than night.

 

...you know a chola named "La Shy Girl" who is loud and obnoxious.

 

...you have familia anywhere you go.

 

...your family never lets you forget the day you missed Mother's Day.

 

...you need to point out how much something you just bought cost.

 

...you can dance cumbias and salsa without music.

 

...you go to al least 3 weddings, 4 quinceañeras and 2 baptisms a year and see all of your family there.

 

...you use manteca instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your ass is getting bigger.

 

...you dread those boring stays with family in the "campo."

 

...you just can't imagine anyone not liking Mexican food.

 

...you speak Spanglish.

 

...you go to a white friends house for dinner and don't understand the concept of sitting at a table.

 

...your nana will kill you if you make her miss her "novela."

 

...you've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico and bonus points if you actually made it all the way home with it.

 

...your summer vacation is spent at the river with all your cousins.

 

...your mom/dad has 8 brothers and 7 sisters.

 

...you have sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it.

 

...you have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.

 

...you have a picture of "Jesucristo" in your house.

 

...you have at least TWO statues of saints in your house (bonus points if one of them is "La Virgen de Guadalupe.")

 

...you have seen the movie "Selena" (bonus point if you own it.)

 

...you own at least 2 tapes/cds of Selena.

 

...you go to church on Easter, Christmas and New Years just to see what everyone is wearing and find out all the latest "chisme."

 

...your tia's wear gold sequence dresses, gold hair bands/clips, "chingos" of gold jewelry, gold "tacones", and pink lipstick.

 

...you're an adult and you're still forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.

 

...you walk around saying "chacho", "chacha", "ay bendito", "horale vato", "hey homes", or "buey."

 

...you get another's attention by saying "chhh chhh" or "pssssst."

 

...you driver a "Cheby" (Chevy), an "Ohsmobeel" (Oldsmobile) or a "Bolswahgon" (VolksWagon).

 

...you call your sneakers "tenis."

 

...at least 3 of your 50 friends are not related to you.

 

...your car has fifteen speakers in it and you fix it every weekend.

 

...you eat menudo after the wedding to cure your hangover.

 

...you have at least thirty cousins.

 

...you start clapping when your plane lands on the runway.

 

...your nana thinks she has the miracle cure for everything.

 

...and last, but not least....

 

...NO ONE can make better beans and tortillas than your nana.