The Best Jokes We've Ever Heard!

If you know a good joke....send it to us.

If it makes the cut, we'll post it!

Viejitos Party Down

For those of you who don't speak Spanish, "viejitos" are senior citizens....no disrespect intended. Even if you have a slow connection, this one is worth waiting for.

Click here for video

 

911 Call

(Apparently an actual call. Friend of mine sent this to me. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard.)

Click Here for Audio

 

Find The Ghost

(Warning: This can be scary)

Apparently the owners of this house had been seeing images and hearing voices for quite a while. They did some research and found that a lady once lived in this house. She lost her husband during the civil war. Legend says that she used to sit at the table and look across the fields in anticipation of her loved one returning home. He never came. So, they say she still waits. They caught this photo of what they claim to be her. This one is wild and a little spooky once you find the ghost in the picture. It took me a minute or so to find it, but when you do, it just stands out like one of those optical illusions. To save you some time, concentrate around the table. Best not to focus too much on one spot. Look around the table and toward the window. Click on the link below for the picture.
*It may take a minute or so before you pick out the ghost so give it time. It works best if you turn up the sound before you start looking. http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

 

HORSE SENSE

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "Actually I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

Fine Men

Men are like a fine wine.....

They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Amish Virus

You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.

Talk, Talk, Talk

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

Stock Tips

Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

The Old Days

 

WOW!!! Hard to imagine One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take! responsibility for our actions Serving your country was a privilege ; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. " "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....

And how old do you think this grandmother is?

This Woman would be only 58 years old!

Fore!!!

This sign was posted at a local golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you take to long, please let the others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet Please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

Hi-Ho Silver!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked the Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, it's evident the Creator is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Kemo sabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Tonto, you dummy, someone has stolen our tent."

Darwin Awards 2002

Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Award 2002.

The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, OK, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, OH, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.
He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
"It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

What a shitty way to die.

Tech Support

This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer."

Little Known Facts

Spell This!

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. Now, how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Telemarketing/Junk Mail Solutions
Courtesy Cousin Mary Kate

Three Little Words ...
Some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.
The three little words are "Hold On, Please." Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.

Good Ideas ... When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment let the companies throw them away. When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it. Twice. Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again. Send this to a friend or two or three ... or fifty

Having a Bad Day?

Having a BAD day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A.M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. Still Having a Bad Day? ********************************************************************** The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a bad day?

Medical Exams

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
10. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

The Donkey

There was once a farmer who had a donkey.
And one day, the farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried pitifully for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, the farmer decided that the donkey was old and that the well needed to be filled in anyway, and that it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the animal.
So, he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. But then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
After a while, and many shovel falls of dirt later, the farmer looked down into the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off his back and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt upon the animal, it would shake it off and take a step up. After a while, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you ...... all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells by just not stopping, by never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up !!!!
Remember the five rules to be happy:

(1) Free your heart from hatred.
(2) Free your mind from worries.
(3) Live simply.
(4) Give more.
(5) Expect less.

OK .... enough of that bullshit ...... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field, and kicked the shit out of him. He then went to each of the neighbors, in turn, and kicked the shit out of them too for helping. The REAL moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to haunt you.

The Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to goÊon an AfricanÊsafariÊandÊhe took his faithful pet Dachshund along for company.Ê One day, the Dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the Dachshund discovered that he was lost.Ê Wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having the dog for lunch. Ê The Dachshund said to himself, "I'm in deep trouble now!"Ê He thenÊnoticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settled down and began chewingÊon the bones with his back to the approaching cat.Ê Just as the leopard was about to leap, the Dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.Ê I wonder if there's any more around here?" Ê Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack mid-stride with a look of terror, then slinks away into the trees.Ê The leopard saidÊto himself, "Whew!Ê That was close.Ê That Dachshund nearly had me for lunch." Ê
AÊmonkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for guaranteed protection from the leopard.Ê So, off goes the monkey after the leopard.Ê The Dachshund saw him running with great speed and figured that something must be up. Ê Soon, the monkey caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.Ê The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said to the monkey, "Here, hop on my back and you'll get to see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Ê
The Dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?"Ê But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attacker, pretending he hadn't seem them. Ê Just as they got close enough to the Dachshund, they heard him remark out loud, "Where's that damned monkey?Ê I sent him off half-an-hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

HUSBAND WANTED:

A lonely spinster, age 70, decided it was time to get married She put an ad in the paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED MUST BE MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST
NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED. ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. She opened the door and, much her dismay, saw a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no
arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs."

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands, either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"

 

Lamaze Class

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.  The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
 
She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. 
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"  She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together.  So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
 
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.  Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.  "Yes?" asked the teacher.  "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Quick Thinking Husband

A guy was sitting quietly, reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was
that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she
said.
"I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for!?"
She replied, "Your horse called."

Subject: The Lawyer and the Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and
now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here!"

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this
one with the "Hoosier Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier 'Three Kick Rule?'"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back
and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick
to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The
lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot! Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....]

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck."

Seeing Eye dog
 
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk   in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.

Later, the woman's husband comes home. She hears him pull up, so she puts her lover in the closet - not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!

Subject: Southern Grandma 


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman
to the stand.
 
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You l ie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
 
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."
 
The defense attorney almost died.
 
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows
me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers. 
 
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite  traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. 
 
Here's how the scam works: 
 
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car  as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping&n bsp; your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. 
 
 
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask  you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back  seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of  them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while  the other one
steals your wallet. 
 
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets. 
 
Again - please beware!!

Days Off

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"


You've Gotta Love Drunk People......


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
"How to Treat A Woman"

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her. 
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with  her.
Shop with her.
Give her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
   
"How to Treat A Man"

Show up naked. 
Bring chicken wings.  
Don't block the TV.




We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Ple ase note   these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toiletseat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. f something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank ou for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar  to have a drink.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we  could talk.  He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.  I asked him what was  wrong; he said nothing.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. 

On the way home I  told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too". When  we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent. 

Finally, I decided to go to bed.  About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt  that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


  HIS DIARY

Today the Phoenix Suns lost, but at least I got laid.

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a   
 little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding     
 night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your     
 mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too  
 big I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this     
 family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any    
 problems."                                                                
                                                                           
 "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.          
                                                                           
 On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try  
 these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't   
 fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
 will. I don't want you to ever forget that."                              
                                                                           
 Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here,
 try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, 
 "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never      
 will."   


Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,"
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


One day, a man came home and was greeted

by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do

anything you want."

So he tied her up, and went golfing.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together

and said to them, "I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.

"I'm so tired of chardonnay."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,

"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use

the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


THE TRUCK ACCIDENT

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In Court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was Questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm Fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I Had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into The......"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer Interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not

Say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm Fine!'?"



Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the

Trailer and was driving down the road...."



The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am

Trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the

Accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the

Scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after

The accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe

He is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the

Question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in

Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to

Hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,

Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... As I

Was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite

Mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the

Highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and

Smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into

One ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was

hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I

Could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she

Was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He

Could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he

Went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out

His gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the

Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at

Me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

"Now what would you say?"

CONVERTING A BEAR

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."  Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


She's Gone

My wife left me...I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to
cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when
she came home from grocery shopping the receipt
included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you
haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look
pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.