Some good humor for an afternoon break...


> If you can read this whole story without laughing,
>>
> then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>
> This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
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> cook-off in Texas.
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>
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
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> pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
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> of the third judge is even better. For those of you
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> who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
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> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
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> of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
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>
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
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> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
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> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
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> judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
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> called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
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> be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
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> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
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> came in. I was assured by the other two judges
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> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
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> spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
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> beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
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> Judge 3."
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>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
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>
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
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> Amusing kick.
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> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
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> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
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> this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
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> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
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> one. These Texans are crazy.
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>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
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> jalapeno tang.
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> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
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> to be taken seriously.
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> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
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> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
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> pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
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> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
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> more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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>
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
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> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
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> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
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> spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
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> Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
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> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
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> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
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> chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
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>
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
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> Disappointing.
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> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
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> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
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> a chili.
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> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
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> tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
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> burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
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> behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
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> look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
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> an aphrodisiac?
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>
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
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> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
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> impressive.
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> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
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> more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
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> strong statement.
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> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
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> off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
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> and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
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> seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
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> given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
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> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
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> pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
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> really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
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> to stop screaming. Screw them.
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>
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
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> Good balance of spices and peppers.
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> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
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> peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
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> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
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> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
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> when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
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> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
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> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
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> butt with a snow cone.
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>
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
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> on canned peppers.
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> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
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> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
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> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
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> 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
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> cursing uncontrollably.
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> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
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> pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
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> lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
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> is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
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> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
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> pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
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> during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
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> I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
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> Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
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> need air, I'll just suck it in through the
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> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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>
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
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>
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
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> blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
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> declare its existence.
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> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
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> chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
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> of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
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> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
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> feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
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> chili?
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> Judge # 3 - No Report
>